Six Months Down The Drain

Six whole months of taking a medication that hasn't done anything.  What a waste.  Should have suspected it wasn't doing much, since there were very few side effects.  Sometimes I wonder why I bother.  To think, after all the hassle with the insurance to cover this one, when they were more than willing to cover the ones that kicked my butt, but did manage to keep my cholesterol under control and only cost me five bucks.

Can't begin to explain how excited I am to start a new one!  NOT!  Wish I could suffer through the side effects to get my depression under control.  Can't do it!  Have you seen the commercial for "Intervention" where the girl says - "I love life, just not MY life".  That's sums up the way I'm feeling.  

Sorry for ranting, but sometimes you just have to get it out, before it consumes you.  Don't feel obligated to comment just because you are a loyal follower.  I understand that sometimes there are just no words.  Thanks so much for listening.  

I shall now try to do what I do best, which is read and comment to all of you.  Keep up the good work, I count on living vicariously, through your posts.

Empty Nest - Mother's Day

I gave you life
I watched you grow
How was I
To ever know
That when you left
You'd take my heart
It stays with you
When we're apart

It seems like an eternity
Between the times
You're here with me
I miss the days
When you were small
Now I hardly see you
Much at all

A treasured card
Sits in a frame
I've kept them all
They bear your name
The cards are special
You can see...

...But it's "YOU" that means
So much to me.

It's A Brain Thing

Frequently, I'm accused of over-thinking.   Rightfully so.  Can't help the way my brain chooses to work, when it chooses to work.  Having said that, there is a commercial that drives me to distraction.  One about hand soap dispensers.  Talks about germs on it.  Ummm, yeah... there are germs and other stuff on our hands, which is why we are washing them.  I certainly don't plan to touch the dispenser AFTER I wash my hands!  So, what's your point?  Why would germs on the outside, be a problem?  I get the whole, wash your hands concept, but really, this one is a little hard for me to comprehend.  Don't think I'll be buying one of those automatic soap dispenser thingys.  They can just keep bombarding the airwaves and I'll just keep thinking.

"HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!"

This is for Marla, cuz she's the best and she asked nicely.

                     For Marla and Amy

 

Attila?

Don't lose your temper, Attila! You need figure out a better way to deal with anger!

No matter how much you care for them or how benevolent you are, being kind to someone can only go so far. If you're sure they've taken advantage of you, trust your intuition and don't let this continue any longer. Your future demands that you let go of all baggage, including anyone and anything that's held you back from moving toward the opportunities that await you. (which includes myself) Get the show on the road with a confident attitude and a happy heart.

This is my horoscope for today.  I found much irony in it and it couldn't have come at a better time.  This is the same advice I have been given by some wonderfully inspiring people.  Thanks to each of you.  To the one I lost, who was always encouraging and respectful when they came to visit my bloghouse, thank you, too, you taught me much.  I wish you no hard bad feelings.        

Letting Sleeping Blogs Lie

I'm going to use an analogy to describe the way I see myself and blogging.  I do not wish to offend anyone who chooses to read it.  I am even providing a key.

Blog Whisperer - Someone with understanding and knowledge as well as the ability to provide advice to others.  Who has a way of doing what they do, without disrespect to any breed, large or small.

Bloghouse - Ones own blog.

Blog Park - blogosphere

Pack - Followers

Peeing or Marking - Making comments

Sniffing - Reading, but not commenting

Chihuahua - Me

Chihuahuas are the smallest blog/dog breed, fiercely loyal and gets along well with other breeds.  Due to their small size and fragility, care must be taken to avoid injury from jumping off a tall surface, or stepping on them as they follow along at your feet.  They have also been known to cause injury to themselves, by charging after anything threatening, without regard for size differences.  While they may appear to shiver and tremble, it isn't always from fear.  Excitement, low blood sugar and discomfort are other possible causes.  Their small size makes them suitable in most any living arrangement.  They are alert and make ideal watchdogs.

While in my own bloghouse recently, an intelligent, larger breed, peed to mark some territory.  I yelped in surprise, then upon recognition, wagged to apologize for the yelp and received a growl.  I do not, for one minute, believe the intention was to rip me to shreds.  Nor were mine.

Ventured out to the blog park to socialize. Visited a pack members bloghouse, peed a small spot and was promptly bitten.  I lowered my head and was given a second bite, for being weak.  Chihuahuas are notoriously hard to housebreak, but with patience and the right method, it can be done.  (Instilling fear is probably not the best way to accomplish this)

Exhausted from trying to play with the big (blog) dogs, I retreated to my bloghouse to rest and recuperate, venturing out occasionally, to sniff some fresh air and being cautious not to pee in the wrong place.

This little chihuahua is well behaved.  She understands rules, boundaries and limitations, as well as exercise, discipline and affection.  She's learned a few tricks, which include... speak, sit, shake, fetch and... roll over and play dead.

Do not confuse rolling over and playing dead, with submission.  True submission comes from trust and respect and the feeling of protection from intruders or opposing pack members.

One of my young pups tried to explain me to a puppy pal... "If she likes you, she yaps, wags, sniffs and marks.  If she doesn't trust you, she is silent."

As long as I find more enjoyment than pain with blogging, I will continue.  There are some really wonderful people out there.  I read everyone I follow and will comment, frequently.  If I feel you need encouragement, I will be there to give it to you.  If I disagree, I will try not to comment.  If you encourage people to think and comment, but belittle them when they do, I will probably still follow and read, but will refrain from commenting.  I will never try to intentionally hurt someone with a comment or a post.  I may have the jaws of a Pit Bull, but never want to feel a need to use them here.  If you made it this far, thanks for joining me.  Hope to see you again, soon.  Feel free to hike or squat, pee or not.

Special thanks to my Blog Whisperer, Laura and my Guard Dog, Iggy and to each and every one of you, that choose to be members of my pack.

God Bless You Andrew

May you find the peace in death, you were unable to find in life.  There will be those who won't understand how you could do something so painful, to the people you left behind.  There will be those who won't understand that depression isn't about choosing to be happy.  There may even be those, who choose not to forgive.  I won't be one of those.

I will pray for your death to:

Encourage people to try to learn more and have compassion, for those that suffer.

Allow a sufferer to reach out for a lifeline, and find the ability to hold onto it.


I will pray for your family and friends to accept that, while they may have a better understanding than most, your choice was your choice and is not a negative reflection against them.

God bless you, Andrew.  May you find peace, at last.

Joshua Andrew Koenig, 8-17-1968 to 2-25-2010.

Love Link, Paying It Forward

Kristy, over at This Train Of Thought Has Been Derailed, has given me a Love Link.  Thanks, Kristy!  I love you back and look forward to being your adopted, somewhat blinded blog Mother. (with or without soap)
To receive this award I must pass it on to five more blogs and post this:

"You have received a LOVE LINK, now it's your turn to pass it on. Pick 5 special blog friends/readers/or non-blogging friends to link to and post about in addition to the person who LOVE-LINKED you; don't forget to add this notice to your post. This paragraph links you to Womenslifelink.com (where it all started) because we want to know how far the love spreads and to how many. So, please come and leave a comment to tell us who you are and that you received a LOVE LINK from a friend."

 

  

I am choosing the following five, with a brief comment for the choice, in no particular order.

 

Karen @ This Old House, in spite of the fact she keeps me in the sinnin' corner, because envy is a sin!

 

Marla @ Butts And Ashes, who continues to amaze me with her life, as well as her writing.

 

Deborah @ Fashion Plate-Hungry For Style, for her fearless sense of style and great taste in hot men.

 

Bendigo @ Bendigo's Rage, because I'm a sucker for a man with a heart, who isn't afraid to admit it and writes it beautifully.

 

Rebekah @ It Only Gets Better, you don't need to find a niche/category...“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.” 

  

That Dreaded Word, Again!

For the past few years I keep hearing a certain word, used over and over.  This word sends me into a complete panic, hyperventilation and all.  I find myself getting sweaty, having heart palpitations and feeling like I might pass out.  What word could possibly cause that much reaction?  I'll tell you!  It's... rrrr, rrrrrr, rrrrreeeee... this is harder to say than I thought it would be!  One more try, here goes...

             ..."RETIREMENT!" 

Could you feel my pain and panic?  I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it.  Hubby swears when he turns 65, he IS going to do it.  See, I couldn't even bear to use the word again.  People, he will be 65 in 18 months!  As fast as time flies, the older one gets, it will be here before I know it.  We aren't rich, by any means, but we are comfortable.  There are times in my life, however, that I have been poor.  I never, ever, want to be in that position again.  Having to decide whether to buy food, or toilet paper, is tough.  If you buy the food, you have to have the toilet paper, right?  GI, GO.  If you don't buy the food, you won't need the TP, but you starve.  See what I mean?  I'm not a food freak, but to not have the option to eat, might make me change my mind.  We always want what we can't have.


One of THE toughest issues we will face, when this time comes, will be MY health insurance.  It's the one thing that has managed to forestall the inevitable, as long as it has.  He would have made the decision before now, had it not been for the exorbitant cost to keep me covered.  Getting rid of me would be so much cheaper.  He might even be able to actually enjoy his rrr... rrrreee... TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR!  I could even forgive him if he did, but for now... this is how the whole idea, makes me feel...

 

...it is NOT a good feeling!  How would you like to live with this?  Trust me, you don't even want to imagine it!   I must go lie down now, I'm feeling faint.  Is there a doctor in the house?  Somebody call 911!  Wait...

never mind, "WE CAN'T AFFORD IT!"

 

Memories and Things

When I started this blog, someone gave me the advice to say whatever I wanted.  I promised myself I wouldn't just "put it all out there" and "admit to strangers" what my family and friends are all too familiar with.  Here I go, breaking that promise.

One of the most frequent questions I hear, in my world, is "What difference does it make?"  Every time I get all OCD, worry or cry over something, the question gets asked, again, and is usually followed with, "Why do you let it upset you?"  

This question is raised on many different aspects of my life, below is just one. 

I am frugal and a saver, by nature.  I am also a very sentimental person.  When my beloved memories began to disappear, or, I should say started becoming hard to retrieve, I began saving "things".  Things were my way to pry the memories out of my failing brain.  It may not give me a complete memory, might be just a glimpse, but I'll take what I can get.  (The saving of things has gotten more out of control than I care to admit)

Becoming orphaned 13 years ago, when my parents died 3 weeks apart, took a toll on me.  I don't have many "things" of theirs, but what I do have, I cherish.  

Coming across a card signed by my Mom... who for many years before her death was unable to write, and eventually unable to walk, talk or move on her own... that means something to ME.

Cards signed by my Dad, when my Mom could no longer do it... that means something to ME.

Furniture and mementos, inherited down through the years, from family no longer living... that means something to ME.

When I get upset and cry because someone in the family is trying to get rid of an item belonging to a person I cherished that is no longer living and I can't make room for anymore "things"... please don't ask me "What difference does it make? (In the grand scheme of things, probably none) "Why do you let it upset you?" (If I had a choice, do you think I would choose to be upset?)   

"My house may be crowded... my memories are not." 

Life Altering Experience

My Cousin, bless her heart, sent me three pictures that stirred a memory.  As I've said before, I don't have much brain left, or memories.  It was right around the time this picture was taken that my life changed dramatically.  The year was 1981 and I was pregnant with my fourth child, my daughter.  Didn't even know for a fact, that I was pregnant.  My Mom, God rest her soul, was in North Carolina and I decided to clean her house before she got home.  Big mistake!  Not the actual cleaning, but the life altering blunder I made while doing it.  In my zest to do a good job, I sprayed the whole bathroom down with a tile cleaner that was supposed to be "all that".  It was, and then some.  That crap gave me chemical pneumonia and cost me way more than dollars at the doctor.  Right after that, I found out I was, indeed, pregnant.  My doctor warned me that the exposure could have dire consequences to the child I was carrying and asked me if I wanted to consider terminating my pregnancy.  I wept.  He did an ultrasound, just to see if anything was obvious.  Nothing was.  We were able to see the heart beating, arms and legs and nothing else could be determined, until I gave birth.  This was 28 years ago, ultrasound was new and this was my only child it had been available for.  It was a torturous nine months.


The doctor told me that, due to the early stage of development during my exposure, she could be blind, deaf, hair lipped, have a cleft palate... just to name a few.  I was insanely sick, from the moment the chemicals entered my system.  At my first doctor visit, I weighed 79 pounds.  I finally began to gain weight and topped out at 106, the day she was born.  She was beautiful!  Everything seemed normal.


From the time she was able to communicate, she told us she could suck air through the top of her mouth.  We never could see what she was talking about.  When she was 14, a trip to the dentist finally figured it out.  As the dentist blew the air in her mouth, to dry it... tiny little pin holes opened up.  We were amazed.  She could suck air through the roof of her mouth!  A trip to the plastic surgeon and an explanation of the extensive work involved to correct it, we decided it was best to leave it alone, unless it caused a problem.  It could have been so much worse, but, I've still never been able to forgive myself.  I also haven't been the same, since that exposure.  It's been years since I've been anywhere near normal.  The exposure has caused so many other things.  Chemical sensitivities, depression, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and tremors, just to name a few.  All this because of a household cleaning product that should have been safe, right?  Wrong!  Be very aware of what you use in your daily life.  It could cause dire consequences!  THERE ARE CHEMICALS IN MOST EVERYTHING WE USE.  If you don't believe me, just check it out.  Make a list of your daily products, makeup, deodorant, shampoo, perfume...  Then go to the cosmetic safety database and check them out.  Do the same with your cleaning products.  You'll be shocked!  It should be against the law!  Why isn't it?

My frail, pregnant self.

Tough Decisions

Hubby and I have been discussing some tough topics lately.  We've been having to muddle through some issues we aren't sure how to deal with, nothing earth-shaking, just out of our range of knowledge.  His dad left some bonds to him and his brother.  About a third of them are already mature and the remainder will mature throughout the next few years.  Like I mentioned, nothing earth-shaking, just something that needs to be dealt with.  Dealing with this has brought up another issue that needs to be dealt with, that has managed to be put on a back burner for way too long.  

When my parents passed away within three weeks of each other, back in 1997, that was tough!  I am SO grateful they had made all their arrangements, ahead of time.  Earlier in their marriage, my Dad wanted to be cremated, so my Mom made her plans to be buried with her family in North Carolina.  When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, he changed his mind and decided to be buried, instead of cremated.  He was able to convince my Mom to change her plans and transfer her burial here, with him.  I can't even imagine what turmoil our lives would have been in, had these arrangements not been made in advance.  My Dad was in the hospital, when my Mom died.  We were able to get him out and take him to the funeral.  We still feel like he only lived as long as he did, to make sure my Mom, his wife, was taken care of, so he could follow her.  If her funeral hadn't been changed, the majority of the family could not have afforded to attend, plus, there was no way my Dad could have made that trip to say his goodbyes.

Having dealt with that and being so determined our kids would not be put in the position to make decisions in the event of our death, we knew we need to plan ahead.  We didn't.  We let it slide.  

Five years ago, my Father-in-law passed away.  This renewed the idea that we needed to make our plans.  Once again, we didn't.  We let it slide.

Now, dealing with the will and the bonds has brought up just how lax we have been, in making our own plans.  It's such a depressing topic and very hard to think about, but I refuse to leave it to the kids, when our time comes.  Also, admitting to my husband that I don't want to have a funeral, or be buried, is hard.  He, on the other hand, wants that.  If I die, before he does, I want to be cremated.  When he passes, if possible, I want my ashes buried with him.  If he passes before me, just sprinkle me over his grave and be done with it.  I don't need a headstone, I don't want ANY flowers, give them to someone living.  When my time comes, don't make calls to people that haven't been around me for years.  If it hasn't mattered in years, it shouldn't matter when I'm dead.  I do NOT want my survivors coming to a cemetery, to remember me.  Remember how much I love you and that won't stop when I die... I won't be lingering in the cemetery, waiting for you to visit... I hope to be in Heaven!

Old Favs

Everybody has an article of clothing that is special, for whatever reason. It could be a pair of jeans, broken in, faded, comfortable, that no matter how worn they get you just can't bear to part with them. You have them too, right? A team jersey that holds memories of good times, goofy Hawaiian shirt, sweats, old tee shirts, or maybe outfits that no longer fit, but we hold out hope that by some miracle we just might lose those unwanted pounds and be able to wear them again. I have whole wardrobes of those. Not going to happen, but I keep hoping.

Being a vertically challenged person, with extra weight in the middle, makes shopping a real chore for me. Height-wise, the children's department is my best option, especially if items are loose, or they make it in a chubby. If I'm lucky enough to find things, I usually buy multiples in different colors. I hate to shop, so anything that works gets my vote. I'll pick five or six, pay, get out and go home.

Is it just my opinion, or do the retailers think we live in some third world country where people are starving? Everything is geared toward some twig thin, underdeveloped stick figure! This is America... people eat. Research shows we are a fat nation. Get with the program and design some clothes to accommodate regular bodies that don't live at the gym. We count too!

Ok, that was a little detour and I apologize. My mind tends to wander and before I know it, I'm off on some tirade.

I have a crazy tee shirt I love! Bought it cheap, it's thin, wider at the bottom, has a stick thin gal with a glass of wine and a saying that suits me. It says... "I'm an acquired taste". That's me, for sure! I can't remove Ms. Twig, but I am considering dragging out the paint and giving her some flaws... for added comfort!

I should give that gal some extra baggage, less cleavage, messy hair and spotty skin! It would make me feel better. That, I could do. Too bad I'm not artistic enough to change that wine into a margarita!

It's Official!

For quite some time I've been complaining that my brain doesn't work. I do my best to keep it hidden from the public, but people close to me might agree I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. A couple of years ago, someone sent me an email, you know the one with the silhouette of the spinning girl? The first time I received it the girl appeared to spin in both directions. Don't believe the explanation came with that one. If she spins to the left, you are left brained, right, right brained, both means you use both sides of your brain and are likely a genius. My cousin and I laughed and thought it was crazy that we could see her change, back and forth. Got that same email again, recently. No matter how long I looked at it, that stupid girl never went to the left! Checked later, no luck. Thought maybe I was just having more of an "off" day than usual. Went back today hoping that girl would spin to the left for me. Oh, heck no! She refused! "WITCH!" So, I guess it's time to face the facts. The left side of my brain is no longer working. I told you. This is one of those "I told you so" moments that brings no pleasure, whatsoever!!! Now it's official. I'm praying it's not permanent. I'll check back on the witch later... much later! It's going to take some time to adjust and... I'm only working with half a brain.

Stirring A Memory

I had a memory! Used to have a million. Somewhere along the way, they got lost. Not totally lost, just pushed down under the garbage of daily living. Takes a lot to stir them up. On rare occasions someone manages to make one surface. I recently had one of those occasions.

Our local paper used to carry a column written by Mark Hayter, a man that grew up in my hometown. Reading them became a way for me to access things long forgotten. He writes about memories of the old neighborhood, school, family, parents and daily living. Things most people can remember without much prodding. People other than me. Might be the old... use it or lose it phenomenon. I stay so tucked away, isolated in my home and rarely attempt to maintain contact with people. Not because I don't have a desire to be around others, it's more of a safety mechanism. Protection for them as well as myself. Depression and chemical sensitivities have a way of doing that. Never know what might set me off. Combine that with dread, fear and never ending fatigue... I can be volatile! Trust me, I'm safer at home.

Back to the reason for this post. Mark's column disappeared from the local paper. Lots of other things, too. Mostly the paper became, for lack of another description, obsolete. With a rapidly growing population, it should have increased, not the other way around. It has dwindled to a mere few pages of not very newsworthy news. I called to inquire the reasons for the decline, as well as the shoddy service and the disappearance of Mark's column. Was given nothing more than polite lip-service. But, and this is a big but... not long after, I found Mark! Oldest Son had created a MySpace page for me and I found Mark's sister Jill, on our high school alumni page. Sent her a message saying how much I missed her brother's writings. That one message started a whole new friendship, along with access to Mark's column. He is still in other papers, just not mine. Mark and his brother Al have a wonderful site called "From The Rooftop". I won't even try to explain everything those guys have going on. If you get a chance, you should visit. My friend Jill visits her brothers on the Rooftop, all the time. Close family. Plenty of room up there. I'm sure they would welcome you to join them. Tell them I sent you. Good folks I tell you and funny, too. If those guys can stir up my dormant memories, imagine what they could do for someone with active brain cells. You might feel the urge to start a blog or something. You never know!

Here's the address.
http://fromtherooftop.net/

Jilly, Mark and Big Al... Thanks for the memories!


*In case you're wondering why the print is bigger, a couple of people complained that because of the black background and small print, they were having some trouble reading my little blog. I like the black background so I compromised and made the print bigger. Don't worry little Sister! I didn't tell anyone it was you and me that complained about the small print. Our secret is safe. Nobody has to know we have crappy, old lady eyesight. Now if I could just figure out how to make text messages larger!

Sweet dreams?

As a young child, the version of the nighttime prayer taught to me was:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I remember this scared the poop out of me! Upon completion of this verse, I would follow it with God bless Mommy, Daddy, Sister, Grandma, Grandpa... the list went on... The whole time I'm asking God to bless everybody, my young mind was thinking, "God, don't let me die!" "I don't want to die in my sleep!" "I want to wake up in the morning!" This prayer was downright scary to me, but I prayed it anyway, fearing that if I didn't ask God to bless everybody he might forget and it would be my fault. Tough concept for a child.

Now that I'm old, it doesn't scare me anymore. The thought of dying in my sleep is rather comforting, except for the fact someone from the Medical Examiner's Office would have to wade through my house, let alone my bedroom, to haul my dead carcass out. That thought does bother me!

Several years ago, I found some stuffed animals that had a button you could push and it recites another version of this prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
Your love be with me through the night,
And wake me with the morning light.
Amen.

I liked these so much, I bought two! No point torturing the Grandkids with the other version... life's hard enough. No point adding more pressure.