Leave A Light On For Me

First, and foremost, thank you all for the kindness and support on my last post.  You all mean the world to me and I count on each of you, in different ways, to get me through each day.  I've come to depend on you, for my fix.  The fix may be a smile, a tear, a photograph, or the ability to evoke a memory that has been dormant and thought forgotten.  Don't know what I would do without you.

Yesterday's post was a direction I swore to myself I didn't want to take with my blog.  It's a side of me that I prefer to keep hidden, something I'm unable to hide, in real life.  Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you'll cry alone.  People in my real life are subjected to my depression and I'll be darned if I want that for you.

I was diagnosed with depression many years ago.  I've spent more than half my life struggling with it.  After more than a decade, I finally agreed to take medication and, while it helped with mood, the side effects were more than I could deal with.  Each new side effect was treated with yet another medication, which caused another side effect that warranted another pill and another hassle with insurance, as well as an added expense.  I did it for 10 years.  As it is, I'm the main reason my husband doesn't retire.  Our insurance cost will be astronomical, not counting the cost of prescription medication.  This man has worked his entire adult life with the expectation of being able to retire and live comfortably and I honestly don't know how that's going to happen.  I do know that I hate the thought of being tied to a lifetime of medication and exorbitant insurance premiums.  So, for the past few years, I've only agreed to use medication to lower my cholesterol.  Yes, I need medication for the depression, but refuse to climb back on the medication merry-go-round.  Instead, I will continue to do the one thing I'm good at and that is to be an encourager to others.  Ashley refers to me as a cheerleader.  Thanks, sweetie, I like that!  Let me be your cheerleader and you continue to provide the fix I need.  Hopefully, the insurance company doesn't start charging for it.

I apologize for not emailing comment responses on the last post.  It's something I try to be faithful with, but typing and crying are two things and I can't multitask.  It sucks to throw a pity party and be a lousy hostess!  You throw the next one, I'll bring my pompoms.  Rah, rah, rah! 

Six Months Down The Drain

Six whole months of taking a medication that hasn't done anything.  What a waste.  Should have suspected it wasn't doing much, since there were very few side effects.  Sometimes I wonder why I bother.  To think, after all the hassle with the insurance to cover this one, when they were more than willing to cover the ones that kicked my butt, but did manage to keep my cholesterol under control and only cost me five bucks.

Can't begin to explain how excited I am to start a new one!  NOT!  Wish I could suffer through the side effects to get my depression under control.  Can't do it!  Have you seen the commercial for "Intervention" where the girl says - "I love life, just not MY life".  That's sums up the way I'm feeling.  

Sorry for ranting, but sometimes you just have to get it out, before it consumes you.  Don't feel obligated to comment just because you are a loyal follower.  I understand that sometimes there are just no words.  Thanks so much for listening.  

I shall now try to do what I do best, which is read and comment to all of you.  Keep up the good work, I count on living vicariously, through your posts.

God Bless You Andrew

May you find the peace in death, you were unable to find in life.  There will be those who won't understand how you could do something so painful, to the people you left behind.  There will be those who won't understand that depression isn't about choosing to be happy.  There may even be those, who choose not to forgive.  I won't be one of those.

I will pray for your death to:

Encourage people to try to learn more and have compassion, for those that suffer.

Allow a sufferer to reach out for a lifeline, and find the ability to hold onto it.


I will pray for your family and friends to accept that, while they may have a better understanding than most, your choice was your choice and is not a negative reflection against them.

God bless you, Andrew.  May you find peace, at last.

Joshua Andrew Koenig, 8-17-1968 to 2-25-2010.