Be Still My Heart

Yes, I have a heart, regardless of what some people may think.  I'm sure, because today it has raced on three different occasions.  Without exercising!

First occasion was when I sat down to eat a sandwich and read the paper.  Music is blaring from the bathroom, where hubs is shaving and preparing for work.  TV is on to hear weather reports, general household sounds, then, poof, sudden darkness and silence, except for my heart racing.  Can't begin to explain how much I hate being without power!  Not here, not in summer, not in this heat.  It wasn't even storming, though "Alex" has been the topic of conversation for days.  Recollections of "Ike" and being without power for days, comes to mind.  Called the power company to report it and they said a line was down and would be back up, soon.  Thank goodness, now I could relax.

Second occasion was while talking to my daughter on the phone.  Small talk mostly, until out of the blue she screams... "OhmyGodmomI'mgonnahaftacallyouback!"  Click, silence, except for my heart, once again, racing.  Since she is the mother of two of my granddaughters, I panic, thinking one of them must be hurt.  After a bit, she calls back to tell me that someone had come barreling down the street (she lives in the curve) and hit her neighbors mailbox and gone up in the yard.  Luckily it was raining and the children that usually play outside, were tucked away, safe and sound.

I explained that if she ever has to let me go like that again, PLEASE manage to work in "it'snotthekids" so I won't have a heart attack.  She apologized profusely and agreed.

Third occasion was trying to contact my son.  He is out of town, (in Corpus Christi) to train his new assistant.  He called late Monday saying the law firm had been contemplating closing down and sending him home, due to the impending weather issues.  After hearing the hurricane wasn't supposed to be very strong, they decided to stay open and proceed with business as usual.  When I didn't hear from him by 10pm, I decided to call and check.  No answer.  He knows I was worried about him being there with a storm nearby.  He said he would keep me posted and I don't know what to think.  I'm trying hard to convince myself that if something had happened, somebody would have contacted me.  Now, if I could just convince my heart to stop racing.  

I'm exhausted from the internal calisthenics!  This is not my idea of a workout routine.  To think, after all this... my butt won't be any smaller, and the only six pack will still be found in the fridge and I hate beer!   

Six Months Down The Drain

Six whole months of taking a medication that hasn't done anything.  What a waste.  Should have suspected it wasn't doing much, since there were very few side effects.  Sometimes I wonder why I bother.  To think, after all the hassle with the insurance to cover this one, when they were more than willing to cover the ones that kicked my butt, but did manage to keep my cholesterol under control and only cost me five bucks.

Can't begin to explain how excited I am to start a new one!  NOT!  Wish I could suffer through the side effects to get my depression under control.  Can't do it!  Have you seen the commercial for "Intervention" where the girl says - "I love life, just not MY life".  That's sums up the way I'm feeling.  

Sorry for ranting, but sometimes you just have to get it out, before it consumes you.  Don't feel obligated to comment just because you are a loyal follower.  I understand that sometimes there are just no words.  Thanks so much for listening.  

I shall now try to do what I do best, which is read and comment to all of you.  Keep up the good work, I count on living vicariously, through your posts.

Always An Uh Oh!

Trying to learn not to get excited over things.  Hard for someone who scrutinizes things nine ways to Sunday.  What might happen?  Who will be effected?  What else will this cause?  Don't count your chickens, before they hatch... ripple, ripple... just the usual things that go through my mind.
  

Been waiting for a good while to get the MAC up to snuff, more memory, etc... AND to get my new laptop.  Was supposed to get it last weekend and that went south.  This weekend, my computer guru was going to be busy, so he decided to come out after working all day Thursday.  He gets here around 7pm and begins opening the shipping box containing parts and whatnot, as well as my new laptop.  Decides he will do that first, since it will be the easiest.  Opens the box and low and behold... the laptop is WHITE!  We're talking BRIGHT WHITE!  Crap, I couldn't even find the coffee maker I wanted in white and we ended up having to get black.  Now, you can't even see the coffee!  Black, metallic, stainless steel looking everything nowadays.  Had absolutely no clue this laptop would be white.  White will not last 5 minutes in this house and will stick out like a sore thumb where I had intended to put it.  Already, I'm not a happy camper.  Next step, attach the wireless router to the modem.  EEEENNH!  Not happening.  Seems the wireless router won't work on my thingamajig.  Back in the box it goes, to be shipped back and upgraded to the higher priced one.  Oh well, I've waited this long.


Next up on the agenda, the MAC.  He gets out the whatchamacallit to save everything on and can't get it to start collecting my stuff.  That was the next problem.  Off to the store to buy a USB cord, that he didn't have with him and didn't think he would need and we didn't seem to have around here.  First store didn't have one, second store did.  Manages to get that show on the road.  Process didn't take long, like my brain, there wasn't much in there.  Opens the MAC, adds the RAM without any problem.  Whew, I was sweating that one, even though he was confident.  Begins transferring saved data back and it's a blur from there.  Things didn't go well.  Stuff started to spit, sputter and spew.  Everything seemed to be in slow motion.  Instillation had to be restarted.  More slow motion.  He's tired, I'm overly anxious.  He has to go to work Friday morning and may not get any sleep at the rate things are going... or not going.  Finally managed to get things on track, but my photo application isn't here.  Crap!  Printer has to be reinstalled.  Crap, again!  All the software has to be updated.  Hummmmm!  It's that dark cloud that seems to hang around me.  Anyone that is anywhere near, will undoubtedly be effected by that cloud.  

Guru left for the long drive home around 1am.  Managed to update the software myself.  Still don't have my printer or photo application.  It will have to wait.  Everything looks totally different.  Must learn to get used to it.  Trying to be positive...

BUT THAT LAPTOP IS STILL WHITE!  I'M POSITIVE I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF A WHITE LAPTOP!     

It's A Brain Thing

Frequently, I'm accused of over-thinking.   Rightfully so.  Can't help the way my brain chooses to work, when it chooses to work.  Having said that, there is a commercial that drives me to distraction.  One about hand soap dispensers.  Talks about germs on it.  Ummm, yeah... there are germs and other stuff on our hands, which is why we are washing them.  I certainly don't plan to touch the dispenser AFTER I wash my hands!  So, what's your point?  Why would germs on the outside, be a problem?  I get the whole, wash your hands concept, but really, this one is a little hard for me to comprehend.  Don't think I'll be buying one of those automatic soap dispenser thingys.  They can just keep bombarding the airwaves and I'll just keep thinking.

"HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!"

This is for Marla, cuz she's the best and she asked nicely.

                     For Marla and Amy

 

That Dreaded Word, Again!

For the past few years I keep hearing a certain word, used over and over.  This word sends me into a complete panic, hyperventilation and all.  I find myself getting sweaty, having heart palpitations and feeling like I might pass out.  What word could possibly cause that much reaction?  I'll tell you!  It's... rrrr, rrrrrr, rrrrreeeee... this is harder to say than I thought it would be!  One more try, here goes...

             ..."RETIREMENT!" 

Could you feel my pain and panic?  I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it.  Hubby swears when he turns 65, he IS going to do it.  See, I couldn't even bear to use the word again.  People, he will be 65 in 18 months!  As fast as time flies, the older one gets, it will be here before I know it.  We aren't rich, by any means, but we are comfortable.  There are times in my life, however, that I have been poor.  I never, ever, want to be in that position again.  Having to decide whether to buy food, or toilet paper, is tough.  If you buy the food, you have to have the toilet paper, right?  GI, GO.  If you don't buy the food, you won't need the TP, but you starve.  See what I mean?  I'm not a food freak, but to not have the option to eat, might make me change my mind.  We always want what we can't have.


One of THE toughest issues we will face, when this time comes, will be MY health insurance.  It's the one thing that has managed to forestall the inevitable, as long as it has.  He would have made the decision before now, had it not been for the exorbitant cost to keep me covered.  Getting rid of me would be so much cheaper.  He might even be able to actually enjoy his rrr... rrrreee... TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR!  I could even forgive him if he did, but for now... this is how the whole idea, makes me feel...

 

...it is NOT a good feeling!  How would you like to live with this?  Trust me, you don't even want to imagine it!   I must go lie down now, I'm feeling faint.  Is there a doctor in the house?  Somebody call 911!  Wait...

never mind, "WE CAN'T AFFORD IT!"

 

Memories and Things

When I started this blog, someone gave me the advice to say whatever I wanted.  I promised myself I wouldn't just "put it all out there" and "admit to strangers" what my family and friends are all too familiar with.  Here I go, breaking that promise.

One of the most frequent questions I hear, in my world, is "What difference does it make?"  Every time I get all OCD, worry or cry over something, the question gets asked, again, and is usually followed with, "Why do you let it upset you?"  

This question is raised on many different aspects of my life, below is just one. 

I am frugal and a saver, by nature.  I am also a very sentimental person.  When my beloved memories began to disappear, or, I should say started becoming hard to retrieve, I began saving "things".  Things were my way to pry the memories out of my failing brain.  It may not give me a complete memory, might be just a glimpse, but I'll take what I can get.  (The saving of things has gotten more out of control than I care to admit)

Becoming orphaned 13 years ago, when my parents died 3 weeks apart, took a toll on me.  I don't have many "things" of theirs, but what I do have, I cherish.  

Coming across a card signed by my Mom... who for many years before her death was unable to write, and eventually unable to walk, talk or move on her own... that means something to ME.

Cards signed by my Dad, when my Mom could no longer do it... that means something to ME.

Furniture and mementos, inherited down through the years, from family no longer living... that means something to ME.

When I get upset and cry because someone in the family is trying to get rid of an item belonging to a person I cherished that is no longer living and I can't make room for anymore "things"... please don't ask me "What difference does it make? (In the grand scheme of things, probably none) "Why do you let it upset you?" (If I had a choice, do you think I would choose to be upset?)   

"My house may be crowded... my memories are not." 

The Affair

My husband is having an affair!  It's been going on for years and years.  Even before we married, he was involved with the "Mistress".  She is his first love.  His affair has effected the entire family.  His wanton ways have rubbed off on his children.  He introduces her to everyone, with no shame whatsoever.  His grown sons applaud his escapades and are following the same path.  He encourages them every chance he gets.  When we first married, he boldly invited her into our home, almost daily.  She was a constant companion on weekends.  She still is an ever-present competition.  I believe if it ever came down to choosing between us, she would win, hands down!  I cannot compete with the joy she brings him.  His mistress... MUSIC!

Discussing the Mistress

My husband collects vinyl LPs and 45's.  It's a passion.  Since my Second Son, a chip off the old block, also collects, I asked him to give me an estimate on the number of records he figures his Dad has.  His guesstimate was 100,000!  Mine was at least 50 to 60,000.  He's probably closer.  

                                      

Now I guess you have an idea why I can't compete with his mistress.  She's had her hooks in him, way too long.  As I'm typing this, she is lulling him with her charms.  I can hear her... the WITCH!

Insurance Glitch

My last post was about the problems I have taking medication.  This one is going to be about finally agreeing to fill a prescription, after taking yet another series of samples and finding one that appears to be "The Lesser of Evils!"

Went to the pharmacy late last night, after the major crowds had thinned out.  Stood in line to turn in my script, to get it filled.  They were short-handed, I agreed to wait, knowing it would save a trip the next day.  The girl told me it would be about an hour and a half.  I did some shopping for cards and browsed around, to kill time.  Went back to check and was informed my insurance refused to pay for the medication until I had tried all the other stuff they do pay for.  Mind you, I have tried many other things, but my body didn't tolerate them for more than a brief period of time, not long enough to fill a prescription.  The gal told me my doctor would have to provide validation that I was not able to tolerate the meds they do approve, before I could get coverage for the one I was trying to fill.  "More crap on a cracker!"  Said it would probably take days to get authorization.  Asked me if I wanted to just go ahead and pay for it, while I wait for the red tape to get settled.  She told me the price... "What... are you serious?"  I told her "NO THANKS... I'll just die from a heart attack or stroke, before I pay that."  The store is lucky I didn't do it RIGHT THEN.  I could just imagine hearing the intercom... "Clean up at the pharmacy counter!"
 

Aitchedoublehockeysticks!

Please, not again!  Thought for sure good old Dr. Dontgivashitzsky was finally on the right track.  At least he appeared to listen when I told him about my leg pain after a few days on yet another statin.  He's been on my case for several years, insisting I take medication to lower my cholesterol.  Every time I try to follow his orders, I have body pain.  Finally, he decides that I can't tolerate statins and need to try something else.  I agree to give it a try.  This time I've been taking something for a whole 6 weeks and thought, just maybe, it might work.  Went to bed this morning with a horrible pain in my left butt bone, you know, the one in the butt cheeks that gets uncomfortable when you are sitting on a hard surface.  I don't sleep well, but to try to sleep when you are uncomfortable is even harder.  Woke up this morning and moved my legs to get up... and a muscle spasm grabs hold of my left calf and sends me into orbit.  Crap on a cracker!  

My leg has been sore all day.  I'm not sure what is worse, having elevated cholesterol that wasn't giving me pain, but could cause a heart attack or stoke...OR,  constant body pain from medication that is supposed to help lower my painless elevated cholesterol.  Not sure which is better, quick death or very slow agonizing torture.

What the Heck?

Tried to make a post last night.  Previewed it, it looked fine.  Hit publish and went to to check it on the actual blog... wait a minute... there is a whole paragraph missing.  Went back to edit and try again... same paragraph is missing.  After about 15 tries, with various results, some of which not only didn't have the missing paragraph, but the whole darn body, except for the very last line, I GAVE UP AND DELETED THE ENTIRE THING!  Talk about frustrating.  Finally called it a night/morning and went to bed around 5 am.

Don't have any guarantees this one will work.  If anyone can offer any advice or explanations, I sure could use them.  Now, I plan to hit Publish Post and keep my fingers crossed.  Ok, here goes nothing! No, I don't need any smart a$$ed comments that all my posts are nothing.  Please save those for another time, when I'm in a better mood to fight back.

Life Altering Experience

My Cousin, bless her heart, sent me three pictures that stirred a memory.  As I've said before, I don't have much brain left, or memories.  It was right around the time this picture was taken that my life changed dramatically.  The year was 1981 and I was pregnant with my fourth child, my daughter.  Didn't even know for a fact, that I was pregnant.  My Mom, God rest her soul, was in North Carolina and I decided to clean her house before she got home.  Big mistake!  Not the actual cleaning, but the life altering blunder I made while doing it.  In my zest to do a good job, I sprayed the whole bathroom down with a tile cleaner that was supposed to be "all that".  It was, and then some.  That crap gave me chemical pneumonia and cost me way more than dollars at the doctor.  Right after that, I found out I was, indeed, pregnant.  My doctor warned me that the exposure could have dire consequences to the child I was carrying and asked me if I wanted to consider terminating my pregnancy.  I wept.  He did an ultrasound, just to see if anything was obvious.  Nothing was.  We were able to see the heart beating, arms and legs and nothing else could be determined, until I gave birth.  This was 28 years ago, ultrasound was new and this was my only child it had been available for.  It was a torturous nine months.


The doctor told me that, due to the early stage of development during my exposure, she could be blind, deaf, hair lipped, have a cleft palate... just to name a few.  I was insanely sick, from the moment the chemicals entered my system.  At my first doctor visit, I weighed 79 pounds.  I finally began to gain weight and topped out at 106, the day she was born.  She was beautiful!  Everything seemed normal.


From the time she was able to communicate, she told us she could suck air through the top of her mouth.  We never could see what she was talking about.  When she was 14, a trip to the dentist finally figured it out.  As the dentist blew the air in her mouth, to dry it... tiny little pin holes opened up.  We were amazed.  She could suck air through the roof of her mouth!  A trip to the plastic surgeon and an explanation of the extensive work involved to correct it, we decided it was best to leave it alone, unless it caused a problem.  It could have been so much worse, but, I've still never been able to forgive myself.  I also haven't been the same, since that exposure.  It's been years since I've been anywhere near normal.  The exposure has caused so many other things.  Chemical sensitivities, depression, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and tremors, just to name a few.  All this because of a household cleaning product that should have been safe, right?  Wrong!  Be very aware of what you use in your daily life.  It could cause dire consequences!  THERE ARE CHEMICALS IN MOST EVERYTHING WE USE.  If you don't believe me, just check it out.  Make a list of your daily products, makeup, deodorant, shampoo, perfume...  Then go to the cosmetic safety database and check them out.  Do the same with your cleaning products.  You'll be shocked!  It should be against the law!  Why isn't it?

My frail, pregnant self.

Haircut, Nightmares and Countdowns

I cut my hair! *tear, sniff*  Did it myself.  Yes, it's uneven, but at some point my Daughter, the hairstylist, can even it out.  I never wear it any way other than a ponytail, so it shouldn't matter, but to me it does.  I just pulled it up and whacked it off, six inches.  It was really starting to get in the way and looked like $hit, so anything should be an improvement.  Now, the nightmares will start.  Every time I cut my hair, I have nightmares.  Even when I like the cut, but worse when I don't.  Truthfully, I didn't want to cut it, but it had gotten so long and thin at the bottom, that it was causing problems.  I couldn't even sit in a chair without moving it, or it would feel like someone had a rope around my neck, pulling me backward.  At night, I can't sleep with it up, so it was constantly being laid on, or tangling around my arms and being pulled.  I'd like to have it really short and sassy, but since I can't use products, I'll have to stick with what works for me.  I'd love to have it long and healthy, but by the time it's long, it's far from a healthy long.


Hubby isn't a very observant person.  I used to re-arrange the furniture (drastically) and he wouldn't even notice.  I've cut my hair before and he would be oblivious.  If questioned, he might say something looks different, but would be at a loss as to what actually was different.  I'm going to count the days and see how long it takes this time.  I'm not going to hold my breath.  If I can keep my mouth shut, which is nearly impossible, and not get frustrated because he hasn't figured it out, I'll let you know how long it takes.  The countdown clock it ticking.  He'd better notice something is different, even if he can't figure it out.  Tick, tick, tick...

 

Blog Failure!

I've discovered in trying to do this blog, I don't have what it takes.  (thanks, Blasé)  He really didn't say anything I didn't already know, but it did have a way of driving the point home.  I'm just a tired old Granny that takes care of a couple of Grandkids while my Daughter works and beyond that, I don't lead an interesting life.  Especially one worth blogging about.  Couple that with fatigue and brain damage and blogging is doomed to be a failure.  Must admit I only started a blog in order to keep up with some others that I really enjoy and to not have to leave comments anonymously, mine is no great loss. 


To those of you in the blogosphere with something interesting to say and the energy to say it... kudos!  To those who also are fortunate enough to have someone interested in reading what you have to say... double kudos.  "Keep up the good work!"


Think I'll go take a nap!  Right, like I'd ever be able to convince "Tink" to take a nap.

The New Gadget

The hubby is always bringing home something from work for the plant not having any lost time accidents. Increases in pay would be good, but they choose to invest tons of money in Safety Awards, instead. We've gotten coffee mugs, shirts, a first aid kit, a weather radio and other stuff that I can't recall at the moment. The latest thing to come home, (along with two mugs) was a pedometer/step counter, with pulse meter.

This tiny little gadget displays the time, number of steps, calories burned and a sensor to check your pulse. Did I mention how tiny this thing is? Programming it was a real trick. When you press the mode button, the print is so tiny I had to get out the magnifying glass. I could have used a couple of extra hands, or someone from the younger generation to just do it for me. Even the directions were in micro-print! (the read-out display IS easy to read, thank goodness) At least some of the modes got programmed... though I'm not real sure what I put in. It asks for your weight, which in my case is 110 pounds... 15 pounds above my ideal weight. I "think" that's what I entered, but don't know how to go back and check!

The idea is to clip it to your waist and let it count your steps and to check your pulse occasionally. Then it calculates the calories you have burned.

I put it on around noon yesterday and took it off around 11:40 pm last night. I didn't leave the house and my house is small. It calculated I had taken around 3,000 steps, which is about a mile. I didn't think that was too shabby until I read the calories burned... a mere 76! At that rate, the extra 15 pounds is not going to budge!

There are other activities said to burn many more calories, in a much shorter amount of time!!!

I'm going to stay fat!

I Dare You!

Have you ever been told you should let sleeping dogs lie? Very good advice! Wake a sleeping dog and you are at risk to have your jugular vein ripped to shreds or your arm torn off. That being said, if you lived with a really cranky person that doesn't sleep well, stretched out in a recliner with their eyes closed, would you say... are you napping? Mind you, the person asking has nothing more to say and cranky person's hair isn't on fire and there is no emergency at the current moment. Or, cranky person is laying on the couch, with eyes closed and also, still not on fire or in an emergency situation... would you ask if they are going to take a nap? Did I mention EYES CLOSED?

Just curious to see if anyone else suffers this or dares to ask these critical questions, or if I'm just blessed.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I'm the cranky person! You were probably smart enough to figure that one out. Any burning questions you need to ask, SINCE I'M AWAKE!