Thursday, June 10, 2010

Leave A Light On For Me

First, and foremost, thank you all for the kindness and support on my last post.  You all mean the world to me and I count on each of you, in different ways, to get me through each day.  I've come to depend on you, for my fix.  The fix may be a smile, a tear, a photograph, or the ability to evoke a memory that has been dormant and thought forgotten.  Don't know what I would do without you.

Yesterday's post was a direction I swore to myself I didn't want to take with my blog.  It's a side of me that I prefer to keep hidden, something I'm unable to hide, in real life.  Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you'll cry alone.  People in my real life are subjected to my depression and I'll be darned if I want that for you.

I was diagnosed with depression many years ago.  I've spent more than half my life struggling with it.  After more than a decade, I finally agreed to take medication and, while it helped with mood, the side effects were more than I could deal with.  Each new side effect was treated with yet another medication, which caused another side effect that warranted another pill and another hassle with insurance, as well as an added expense.  I did it for 10 years.  As it is, I'm the main reason my husband doesn't retire.  Our insurance cost will be astronomical, not counting the cost of prescription medication.  This man has worked his entire adult life with the expectation of being able to retire and live comfortably and I honestly don't know how that's going to happen.  I do know that I hate the thought of being tied to a lifetime of medication and exorbitant insurance premiums.  So, for the past few years, I've only agreed to use medication to lower my cholesterol.  Yes, I need medication for the depression, but refuse to climb back on the medication merry-go-round.  Instead, I will continue to do the one thing I'm good at and that is to be an encourager to others.  Ashley refers to me as a cheerleader.  Thanks, sweetie, I like that!  Let me be your cheerleader and you continue to provide the fix I need.  Hopefully, the insurance company doesn't start charging for it.

I apologize for not emailing comment responses on the last post.  It's something I try to be faithful with, but typing and crying are two things and I can't multitask.  It sucks to throw a pity party and be a lousy hostess!  You throw the next one, I'll bring my pompoms.  Rah, rah, rah! 

31 comments:

Deborah said...

First of all, never feel as though you HAVE to leave comments on the comments. Seriously girl. I will never take umbrage, you can always skip me. I know you love me. ;)

Second, I feel you, I really do. I nag about this all the time IMRL, but have you read "Good Calories, Bad Calories" or "The Schwartzbein Principle"? I haven't read the first one, but it's on my list. The second one is getting its second read from me. Super good info about this very thing. I'm trying my hardest right now to stop my very similar problem.

I hate meds and refuse to do them for fear of having a Ms A experience.

Rage away, this is way cheaper than therapy.

Joe Cap said...

Oh, Ms A...I had no idea you were going through this...I am so sorry.
Depression is a horrible thing, and what bind it must be in to have the side effects be worse or as bad as the cure...

Bossy Betty said...

Sorry I missed your post yesterday. I went back and read it.

Listen, Sister, you think we are just here for the happy times? NO.......We love our Ms. Anthropy in all states and forms. Dealing with depression is a complex task. Let's just say our family has not been untouched by this disease and I can see how frustrating it is for family members AND the person suffering from it. Don't give up on all medication. There are other things out there. The person in our family had to go through a lot but was finally helped.

Wish I was there to give you a big hug!

I so look forward to your comments on my blog every day. Oh, and guess who I am dedicating my walk to this morning? Get ready baby. I'm sending you the incredible Betty vibes to use as you will.

Thinking of you, my friend....

aLmYbNeNr said...

We're all here for you - there's always a light on!

Rebekah said...

Oh, Darlin'. Stupid stupid stupid drugs. They keep you so chained to them. No matter what kind they are and even when they claim to be non-addictive. Most are, in some way, addicting. Like you said, by causing more side effects that make you need another drug.

Well, I think what you're doing is incredibly brave. I have suffered occasionally from very mild depression and my mother has suffered from depression as well. And it ain't pretty.

I once had a friend talk about some things (albeit vaguely) that she was struggling with. She said that she had been reading the book Lies Women Believe and that she decided to tell a friend about her struggle. She said that once she told this person it was like the power had been sucked out of it. Like just by telling someone else that it suddenly didn't have the same hold on her that it once did.

I'm not saying this will happen for you but I am saying that by telling other people (us bloggy friends) that at least now you have more support and more encouragement and more people to say, "Hey! Me too."

Love ya, lady! Go take your laptop outside and drink up some sunshine by reading and by osmosis or is it photosynthesis. *mwah* big kisses!

DrSoosie said...

Hi Ms. A. I am glad you shared some of your history with your loyal followers...like me. I think it is important to show all sides of yourself to your blog followers as it really gives us a sense of who you are and where you are coming from...even in your responses to our blogs. I know first hand the feeling of being dependent on medication for survival. I have to take insulin, thyroid hormone and upcoming female hormones just to maintain my body to function like it used to be. Without these things I would actually be physically dead so I appreciate the idea of needing medication to survive. Maybe you should reconsider your depression medication. Like me, (with my diabetes and Grave's disease) it could be that your brain chemicals are out of whack and need supplementing. This is physical and not psychological and something worth investigating further. It could be you have been seeing the wrong doctor...as has happened to me numerous times. Maybe there is a doctor who could find the right blend of meds that would improve the quality of your life. I think depression is akin to diabetes in that everyday is different and the level of proper chemicals in your body vary day to day. Anyway, sorry for the long-winded response but I would love to help you figure out a lifetime solution that would improve the quality of your life.

Your friend,
Susie

KrippledWarrior said...

RAH! RAH! REE!
KICK 'EM IN THE KNEE!

RAH! RAH! RASS!
KICK 'EM IN THE OTHER KNEE!

Marlene said...

My heart goes out to you!!!!

You are such a wonderful, kind, giving person. (I can just tell from the way you reach out to others online!)

I hope you have a HAPPY weekend! I really do.

Michelle Pixie said...

In case I haven't told you lately I think you are pretty fantastic! And I totally get the depression thing as I have been battling it for the past 20 years myself but alas I cannot take the pills either because the side affects do me in.

Aut said...

I don't think you should apologize for no responses!

My mother has a bit of a similar background: she's suffered from depression for years and goes through phases where medicine is a good, normal thing and other phases where it's cut out for a number of reasons.

I have witnessed how hard that is, but I think each person can find his/her "niche" doing something that pulls them out. For my mother it was pottery. Maybe for you, it's not just encouraging but simply blogging and sharing.

It's been really nice to find your blog and I've enjoyed keeping up with you. So: rah, rah, rah! (And that's not a cheer for a pity party!)

Mei said...

*hug*

Cheryl said...

My first time here and wow, what a post you did yesterday. Good for you for coming out of the closet. Depression kills. I've struggled with it since I was a kid.

When I finally agreed to medication, I had such adverse reactions that it made it damn near impossible for me stay on one very long. Sound familiar? I'm finally on one that works fairly well. My psychiatrist has been through it all with me so knows that I often have atypical reactions to meds. Supposed to make me sleepy? I'm wired for sound. Supposed to help with the anxiety? My mind goes into overdrive followed by anxiety attacks.

If you live above the Mason-Dixon line, you've probably got low vitamin D. I'd check into that with blood work and talk to someone who understands how low D can affect mood. With a doctor's recommendation, I take 8,000 mg/day. It's helped it ways I can't begin to describe. Especially in the winter when there's rarely any sun where I live.

Good luck finding someone who understands, listens, and can help you trudge through this. With all the meds currently available, there's absolutely no reason why you need to suffer.

Jimmy said...

Hey Ms A,

Don't worry about not leaving responses to comments I wont take offense, I will just look forward to reading more from you and your comments on my blog are an inspiration to me most of the time short and sweet but always to the point :)

I am a lot like you as I only want to blog about the fun stuff, a good laugh is good for us all but giving a good rant once in a while also helps and if we can't be there for each other during those times too then it's not hardly worth it.

I believe it's worth it so rant, vent, laugh, joke, or cry as much as you need because I may just may need you to listen to me once in a while too, that is one of the reasons we do this because of the moral support from friends who understand.

Tracie said...

I understand the side effects thing. I have fibromyalgia and have taken myself off the meds because I don't like feeling like a sleepy zombie all the time.

TechnoBabe said...

I was actually feeling pretty good and was taking med for high blood pressure but other than that, I thought I was in good shape. Then the clinic did labs and said my cholesterol was bad and I needed to take something. I did for a month but the side effects were so harsh I stopped taking them and it took four months for my myalgia like pain to disappear. Then the clinic put me on a different pill for cholesterol that they believed would not cause the harsh side effects. That was in January. I took them for a month and stopped again on my own and refused to take any more meds with statin in them. I still cannot lift my arms over my head and I have other pain in muscles. I have hope that some day my muscle pain will be gone or at least reduced to the place that I can resume my regular life. I am choosing to change my diet to accommodate the cholesterol numbers. I now eat Egg Beaters, no butter and all food I buy is zero cholesterol. I eat more tuna and salmon and fish than I did previously. So I have informed the doctor that I will not be taking any meds for cholesterol ever. I will take my chances with the high numbers.

The Empress said...

Oh, honey, don't worry about any of that stuff. I don't expect a thing back. I come here b/c I enjoy what I read. All of it.

Margaret Benbow said...

Ms. A, you are helping others by speaking openly, being brave and honest about the depression. There are so many people who think they have to hide their sadness behind a "happy face"--and the sad feelings stagnate because they have no outlet. You're letting in some fresh air and sun.

Ally said...

first of all, do NOT get my started on the health care system in this country. seriously. it angers me to know end.

that intervention quote is so true. so very true for me as well. i wish i could hug you ms. a. i hate to see an awesome person hurting, yet understand it all so well.

i know depression. i have suffered from it from about age 14 on, which is why my blog focuses on childhood, one of the few times i truly remember happiness :( don't tell anyone though. i've avoided meds my entire life to the dismay of doctors, friends and family. my anxiety makes my stomach hurt so badly, yet i fear medications and side-effects something awful.

as for meds, someone i know swears by lexapro, but everyone is different.

Sadako said...

Hang in there. And second that comments comment. It's hard sometimes!

Jenny said...

It can be difficult to cry and type at the same time - this I know from personal experience.

Depression is such a difficult thing to deal with - you hang in there!!!!

I know I love stopping by your blog - blogs are meant to vent :-)

Betty Manousos said...

No worries, dear friend. I'm so proud calling you friend.
You know how much I love your blog and posts are always meaningful
(((hugs)))
B xx

Momma Fargo said...

I think you are super fantastic and you mean a lot to me. Your comments and the fact that you read my fodder is an honor. I also think your writings are wonderful and thank you for sharing a part of you. Makes me love you even more. BIG HUGS!

blueviolet said...

You don't need to apologize or pretend to feel one way on your blog that you don't really feel in life! Be real. We love you for who you are.

On the subject of depression, I suffer from it too. Depending on what's going on in "real life", I can sometimes manage without medicine. If life becomes too cruel, I need it or I'll just cry and sleep and gain weight. I'm on it now, but with the divorce finalization looming near, I'll no longer have insurance, so I will be going off of it again. I hate that depression affects us so much.

(((hugs)))

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Just passing by to say hello!
Hope you're feeling better!
Hugs,
B xx

Mashuga Mom said...

Keep your chin up- good for you for being SO strong.

I Wonder Wye said...

Stopping by from 'crib's' blog. Looks like you have tons of support here, which is awesome. i know from depression. It gallops in my husband's family. His mom and sister killed themselves. I have cancer so have certainly had more than my share of depression. I am going to pray for you and wish you well...

Jesson And Rey Ann said...

I have witnessed how hard that is, but I think each person can find his/her "niche" doing something that pulls them out. For my mother it was pottery. Maybe for you, it's not just encouraging but simply blogging and sharing.

Powdered Toast Man said...

its good to get your thoughts down even if you don't want to. A lot of people can relate to things. A pill for the side effect and then another for that side effect? That's crazy.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

It was when both of my girls got hives from amoxicillan that I started to worry about the side effects. I did not know that they can become allergic any ole time. Now I worry.

I read those damn slips and if it says that I might delevop trouble breathing, I have trouble breathing. I have a VERY suceptible mind and I need to learn to not read them and relax.

I am astounded that you don't take medicine for the depression. That must be so difficult. I really like you. YOu are so sweet and honest.

Also, never feel like you ever have to respond or comment.

Here is a funny story: An old boyfriend's mom was manic-depressive and I dated this boy when I was 17 for almost a year.

8 years later she called me at work and told me she wished I had married her son... and then she DIED!!!! OMG!

Ashley King said...

Um, SERIOUSLY!?!?!?! i feel like pounding my face on the wood floor!!! HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS POST?!?! i know i stepped away from my computer for a while, but freakin 20+days later i see this?! i am SOOOOO sorry!!!!

holy smokes! you can hate me for awhile, but not too long, i can't go without Ms. A for very long at all....

you are ABSOLUTELY a wonderful cheerleader, and perhaps it's because of the hard times you have felt yourself. i know that is what keeps me empathetic with others.... i think you genuinely feel other people's pain.

is there anything else that you have tried that ever seems to help even a little bit? i wish i could help. i wish you were here.... i wish we could go sit and have coffee (well actually i get blended drinks, i never drink hot drinks) over a beautiful sunny day at the lake.... i wish i could help....

think about where you are at this moment, and where you'd like to be, and even if it is ONE TINY little step forward, it's still the right direction.... i'll talk to you soon!!!! *hugs*

Ashley King said...

you can come back at any time now. i miss you so much!!! i know im not the only one!