Monday, March 21, 2011

Ha Ha Hot Chili

Three posts in less than a week, granted, it didn't require any brain cells on my part, for this one.  A friend sent me this, by email, and I nearly peed my pants.  Hope you enjoy it, as much as I did.  (If you got it by email... please forgive me)

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
 

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
 

Judge # 1  -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting sh!t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


Judge # 1  -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2  -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.  Screw it;  I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report

21 comments:

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

I not only peed my pants, but I think I crapped myself. And not from nuclear-hot chili. :)

Ms. A said...

Rory, glad you enjoyed it!

Choleesa said...

Awesome!!

Pat Tillett said...

That was too damn funny!
Makes me want some chili...

Katie said...

I'd have failed miserably: I break out in a sweat at the merest hint of spiciness. Still pretty funny though! Thanks for stopping by my place today, it was nice hearing from you again! : )

Ms. A said...

Katie, my kids make fun of me because I'm such a wimp with spicy food. They love it!

Gigi said...

I have seen it before - but it is still totally hilarious!!! (And true!)

blueviolet said...

The heat just isn't made for all of us, is it? That was so funny!

Marlene said...

ROFL!!!! The drano and fart references were enough to make me spew my drink!!! LOL!!! Thanks for the HEARTY laughter!

J.J. in L.A. said...

I was giggling, til I got to this:

"I've lost sight in one eye..."

And I lost it. I'm still wiping my eyes! lol!

Sarah said...

I went to this chili cookoff once and some were really hot. But I survived it because I wasn't the judge. And nobody around me had to suffer interesting side effects. Whew!

Ms. A said...

Sarah, you are more brave than I am. LOL!

Neil and Susan said...

Too funny Ms.A!!! I am challenged though..... I am now going to the kitchen for some spice!! So nice to hear from you, you are my favorite bloggy friend!! :)

Ms. A said...

N&S, Thank you kindly! Good to see YOU, too!

I Wonder Wye said...

Excy and I are laughing so hard we are in tears...thank you thank you for the much-needed comic relief...!!

Betty Manousos@ CUT AND DRY said...

i know i can count on for a good laugh!
too funny!

have a great, my friend!
betty xx

Betty Manousos@ CUT AND DRY said...

ooops! i meant to say count on you!!

Momma Fargo said...

OMG! That made me pee myself it was so funny. Thanks for the laugh! You rock! I am passing this awesomeness to my Texas friends.

Ed said...

Good stuff.





*farts*

Ms. A said...

Ed, 'scuse you. Thanks for stopping by.

Marla said...

Oh my heavens!! ROFL

Hey, we drove down to Texas today. I so love your state. On the way home we cruised through Medicine Park and the Wichita Mountains. What a nice day. The only thing missing was a bowl of chili. :-)