Friday, June 7, 2013

Toss Me A Snot Rag


The majority of the time Michael was in the hospital, I was, somehow, able to maintain my composure and keep the tears and the fear inside, in order to be strong for him.  Not sure how I was able to pull that off, normally I'm not able to control the waterworks.  Today has been the day to let them out, without the worry of criticism.  As I watched my Daughter's car pull away, with the accumulation of his necessary things, I held up my hand in the "I love you" sign, came inside and stripped his bed, still fresh with his scent, put the sheets in the washing machine and will try to move forward.  

I have purposely not been posting updates, although I have privately answered, by email, anyone asking about him.  Michael has been doing well, testing his ability to try to get back to a semi-normal life by making weekend trips to his home.  He has only had one hospitalization, after the first trip and that, thankfully, was only over night.  They suspected he had a gastrointestinal bleed.  He didn't. 

He started back to work (in the office, rather than in the field) the Tuesday after Memorial Day.  His cousin has been driving him, since driving is something he's not supposed to do.  I have know for quite some time that he was going to move back to his house and have been dreading the thought of not being able to control supervise oversee take care of him.  As hard as it has been and as many times as we have locked horns and had our verbal fisticuffs, I do love him and only want the best for him.  My hope is that he wants that for himself.  He will push the limits, doing things he knows he shouldn't, just to prove he can.  That's the way he is and nothing in my power will change that. 

He may be out of my home, but will never be out of my heart. 

Thank you to everyone that has asked about him, prayed for him and given me moral support and a shoulder to cry on.  I appreciate it more than I will ever be able to convey with words. 

He received a letter May 17th, confirming he had been placed on the transplant list.  There IS still hope his heart will heal and a transplant won't be necessary. 

Michael, if you are reading this...  



PLEASE TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF... AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR FEET THAT I'VE WORKED SO HARD ON.  And, as much as you hate it, call your mother occasionally and let her know you're okay.  Okay?

47 comments:

Linda said...

Best wishes to Michael! Glad he has made progress. Hope you get some well-earned rest.

LL Cool Joe said...

Glad to hear he is improving. It's going to be tough for you with not being there in your home monitoring him, and making sure he's sensible and looks after himself. But now maybe it's time to look after you?

YeamieWaffles said...

I hope Michael gets well soon Ms A! He's a right fighter and I'd love if a transplant wasn't necessary to be honest.

Hartwood Roses said...

It's completely normal to let down and regroup after a stressful event. Yours has been so prolonged and unpredictable. We cry and rage to cleanse ourselves to prepare for whatever is next. Michael's next step is up to him, and to powers that we cannot control.

Gigi said...

I'm so glad to hear he's improving - and I know that watching him leave, knowing that you can't keep any eye on him, was hard. xo

Mamma has spoken said...

I had wondered what had happen to you and your son!
While reading this, it reminded me so much of how I always complain about both mine and hubby's parents not treating us like adults and letting us handle our own problems including medical. It wasn't until my son's TBI that I finally got it and understood: Doesn't matter that they are adults, the parent in you wants to protect them the best you can.

Betsy Adams said...

What an awesome post. How sweet... Hope Michael does read it.. This will be a time in both of your lives which will remain in your hearts and souls forever. You got to be a "MOM" again --a Mom in the way we were Mom's when our kids were little. You could take care of your baby.

Times were hard--times were good, and memories are there forever. I'm so happy for both of you: for Michael for steady improvement and healing, and for Mom --for getting "her" life back now so that selfish me will hear from her more often. ha ha

God Bless All of you --and keep that mother-son LOVE flowing forever.

Hugs,
Betsy

TexWisGirl said...

this may be more stressful for you for a while. i know you will never lose your worry for him. bless you both. i am so glad he is gaining his independence once again. and truly will pray the transplant will not be needed.

Karen said...

So good to hear he is getting back to a semblance of normal life.

Now it's time to do something for YOU, Ms. A.

And Michael.. listen to your mother. She ONLY has your best interests at heart. Probably the only person in the world you can trust that that is true.

Chatty Crone said...

Well I am glad that the journey is over or almost over. What a trip you ALL had. I can't even imagine. Love, sandie

Sally said...

Oh, MsA I completely understand about holding in the water works, and trying so hard to be strong for the ones we love very much. I'm so glad, though, that he has come this far and sincerely hope & pray that his heart will heal itself, and that he will take every precaution regarding his limits.

Thank you for this update, and woman just remember how strong you have been, and take care of you. Love you!

xoxo

ain't for city gals said...

oh my...guess it is just time for Michael to start his new life...thank goodness he has a chance for a new beginning...it will be good!

Nellie said...

This is a huge step, Ms. A. I am sending along my best wishes for Michael's continued improvement. Thoughts and prayers coming your way!

SweetMarie said...

This has made me cry...beautiful post! I pray he will not need the transplant, but if he does it will all work out.
hugs,
Marie

troutbirder said...

Best wishes to the both of you....:)

chana meddin said...

What a wuss I am, sitting here crying as I read...unable to get the image of you washing the smell of him out of his sheets...Oh, Ms. A, what a Journey, what an Unexpected Journey! John Lennon once said: "Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans" and I still haven't recovered from one big Retirement Birthday Cake, so beautifully decorated, to Intensive Care! May we all be intensively caring with the hearts of not only ourselves, but with the hearts of those we love for Life can sure turn on a dime, Michael has certainly taught us all THAT! You have some awesome courage the way you have shared with us, Ms. A, and inspired us, made us feel with you, caused us to find more Humanity within ourselves in the Caring we may not otherwise have known we had. You cry as much as you need to cry...wish I was there to hand you the Kleenex, Ms. A, but in spirit so many are and you know that, so cry knowing how much you and Michael and your family are loved and we hope he does not need that transplant, but if he does, you know you will NOT BE ALONE and we will all be Here for you, now, then, always! Love you...crying with you. I'm such a sap!

ancient one said...

I know it was hard to let him go back home. Praying you both will be just fine. You... the typical mother... He... the typical man. ((hugs))

George said...

I think I know how hard it must have been to see that car drive away with Michael in it. But I'm glad to hear that he is feeling well enough to go home, even if it means he will push himself harder than he should. We will continue to pray that a transplant is not necessary.

I do hope he will remember to call his mother once in a while.

Saara said...

Yieppeeee! I´m so glad to read this! I have been thinking of You and Michael a lot, even though we don´t actually know each other. Now, take also time for yourself, do things of which You enjoy. Rest. I´m hugging You from here.

Stephen Andrew said...

Michael is so lucky to have a mother of tenacity and grace. Sending light and wishes of health. I think it's an incredible ability mothers have to push through the hardest times with stoicism and positivity.

CiCi said...

The mother's love resounds in your post, and rightly so. I know Michael appreciates your concern and also knows you are beside him in the rest of his recovery. Getting his life back to normal as much as possible will be good for him. And that will spill over to you.

Betty Manousos said...

BEST WISHES to michael from the bottom of my heart.

such a beautiful post!
those last lines made me all teary...so touching!

big hugs!!

Katherines Corner said...

I can only imagine how difficult this was, but I am happy he is getting back to "normal"praying that his heart heals and no transplant will be needed. For you my friend, I say, cry it out all you need to, here is another tissue and a hug too xo

Ami said...

So much to worry over with our children.

I used to say to myself, well, once we get past ____ stage, I won't have to worry so much. But then we got to the next age and stage and I found it just came with a new set of worries.

And now I understand that being the mom is forever, it's not just birth to 18 and your job is done.

Your job is never done. They're in your mind and your heart ALL. THE. TIME.

Not that it's a bad thing. Just... stressful at times.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

I know it's hard to let them out of our good care no matter how old they are. You are a tremendous mother and he is a very lucky man.

I wish him continued recovery and that he will be around a long time to appreciate his special mama!

Peggy K said...

Oh, Sweetie...hugs, giant bear hugs coming to you! You need to cry this out! You have been such an amazing support for him, and I have no doubt it's a huge step to letting him go.

So, time to take the next step. Grab the camera, find the beauty, and share it with everyone. This will be so very uplifting for you.

Just don't let the snot rag get near the lens!
Hugs!!!

Cindy @ Dwellings-The Heart of Your Home said...

If our children (regardless of their age) only knew that they are our very heartbeat, such a deep love that can't be put into words! Praying the very best for you both!!!
Blessings,
Cindy

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

Regardless of circumstances, when we're allowed to slip into that full-on mother role, we relish and cherish it and it's so hard to let them go again. I feel very much for you, sweet mama. You've been so good to your boy!

Deborah said...

This is fantastic! I'm so happy for you and all of your family.

Yes! Call your mama! ;)

NCmountainwoman said...

Beautiful post! I have continued holding all of you in my thoughts and prayers. And I will continue to do so. Glad to hear this update.

Help! Mama Remote... said...

Pass me a snot rag too. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*

So. Cal. Gal said...

That's AWESOME! He's getting back to his life and that's a good thing! I know you'll ALWAYS worry about him (that's what moms do) but he's got to learn how to function on his own again. And it sounds he's chomping at the bit, which means he's feeling better. I'm SO excited for him! : )

Pat Tillett said...

Best and healing wishes to the whole family. I know it has to be hard for you not to have him right there. Hang in there my friend...

Annmarie Pipa said...

I think if you and Michael thought about it you would feel the prayers surrounding you. I think of you often., and more now with this 10 yr old in the news waiting for a lung transplant.
sometimes when I survive a crisis I think if I had know ahead of time what I just went through I would have never, ever thought I could do it. I bet you must think that sometimes too.

Lala H said...

Best wishes to Michael. And he is so lucky to have a mom like you, so caring and never giving up.
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Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I'm really glad he's doing better, and that you were able to allow the tears to flow. I'm sorry for the new anxious space in your heart. The faith that's gotten you through to this juncture will continue to carry you.

Healing thoughts and love to you and Michael.

PS Michael, have you called your mom today?

xoRobyn

Vicki Lane said...

A wonderful post -- I've been wondering how things were going.

Michael! Listen to your mother!!!

Betty (picture circa 1951) said...

I'm playing catch up again tonight. So glad to hear that Michael was able to return to work and for now things have calmed down some. I hope and pray that his heart will heal and if that's not possible a donor heart will become available for him.

I think tears are good for the soul...as they say. A way of releasing some of the stress and pain.

You try and rest now. You've earned it.

Kelly Louise said...

Oh wow, you've had a tough year and my heart goes out to you and Michael. There is nothing stronger than love, is there?

Kathleen's Blog said...

Wow---isn't it hard being a mom?? I can't imagine what you've been through. I have been reading your posts. I haven't been posting at all. My Mom died over Christmas and I went to the city ( 3 hours away) and did a short contract. I finished up on June 7 and it feels so good to be able to get back to a normal routine. I came home every weekend, but you really slip out of the norm when you are working away from home. Anyway, I'm hoping to get back to the photography and blogging soon---I so loved it and I really miss it.

Take care....and I am really happy that Michael is getting back to a little normalcy too. You should journal everything you guys have been through---he'll enjoy reading it in 20 years!! I hope you can get back to a nice little routine now....looking forward to some great spring/summer photos from your neck of the woods!!

Cheers
Kathleen

Katie said...

oh my goodness, here all this was going on and i only just now saw this. bless both your hearts, well, your whole family's. this will be harder than everything you've had to deal with with thus far, but i know you are strong enough to weather it. if there's anything i can do, let me know!

Nancy @ A Rural Journal said...

I can't pretend to know what you've been through, but letting him try to regain his life has to be very hard.

Rick Watson said...

Take care of yourself too.
R

Bossy Betty said...

You are one sweet Mama. You deserve to demonstrate every and all emotion you've got, sweetie.

Lynn Proctor said...

i am so sorry you and michael and all of your family are going through this hard hard time--may God have mercy on you and grant you His divine healing--praying <3

Momma Fargo said...

You have to be the best mom ever. Best wishes to Michael for a fast healing. Hugs and love to you!

lotta joy said...

REAL WOMEN never fall apart until they know everyone else has been taken care of. You're a real woman. Take the time to fall down, roll, cry, or kick the couch. Then get up and carry on.